Good Noise

I used to turn music on all the time. I always wanted a soundtrack. My music reflected my mood initially, then it strengthened my mood and then I would transition to where it set my mood. I usually tapered it down a bit to chill out (in case you didn’t know, I am a little high strung). Now I still do that some but I also seek out the soundtrack of silence (not the Simon and Garfunkel or Disturbed version but God’s version). 

As I type this email, I am sitting in my home office listening to birds outside. Listening to the dryer running. Listening to a plane flying in the distance. Listening to a quiet house just be quiet. I am acutely aware of the sound of my fingers hitting the keys. I am also aware of my thoughts. I have a lot of them today. It’s been an eventful weekend. I want to put a qualitative assessment on the thoughts. Are they good thoughts, bad thoughts? Helpful thoughts, harmful thoughts? Are they positive? Negative? I’d say yes to all of these. Bottom line, they are my thoughts. They are what make me me. They are what give me reason to move forward and drive to do so. They are what make me a better husband every day. They are what make me a better dad every day. They are what make me a better son, brother, grandson, uncle. They are what make me a better business owner, representative for my clients, community member, friend, etc. So are the bad ones even bad? If I don’t feel remorse and a bit of self loathing and self deprecation and shame, can I grow from mistakes I’ve made that hurt others? Can I hear these thoughts as clearly when I place noise in my path constantly. The answer is no. I need this time to sort it all out. I need to be able to embrace the background noise of my life and organize, face, and categorize the thoughts. Feel the bad ones. Feel the harmful ones. Hate myself for a minute. Forgive myself (maybe). Figure out how to do better. Figure out if I want to do better. Reflect on the people I’ve hurt. Feel guilt for that. Figure out how to deal with people that hurt me. Feel anger for that. Decide if my guilt and anger are actually even justified. And I do all this in a few minutes of good noise. The birds. The dryer. The airplanes. Life goes on. We move forward. Birds still sing. People still stink up clothes and fly planes. I am not significant to all that. Therefore, my problems are not as significant as I make them out to be. And that is comforting to me.

Good luck to each of you finding your moment. I hope you can do it. I am here for you.

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